Love Letter

     This is my love letter to you. You will probably never receive it, never read it, and never know about it. It will probably be kept locked away on this computer, secure in its memory banks. You will likely never look at the words, or feel the paper it is printed on, or look over it with a vase of flowers behind you and a glass of wine in your hands. But that doesn’t mean this is any less real.
     I have thought about you every day since we first met. Not all day every day, but at least at some point of every day, for just a minute or two, a couple of seconds, a heartbeat. You have inspired me, everything from the directions I have taken in my life to the writing of this letter to changes I have made personally. I wonder what you would think of me in my weakest moments, and when I become stronger. I wonder what you would say when I am at my worst, and when I become better. I think of you when I am strong, wondering how I can become stronger. I rarely speak your name, but you are always there.
     I was once asked how a person knows they are in love. There are easy answers. The quickening of the pulse, the desire to see the person again, the sweaty palms, the rush of endorphins, the strange behavior that makes one person try to gain the attention of another. But none of these were the answers I gave. I answered with longevity, the notion that love does not fade after a week or a month or a year. That standard, the one I came up with years ago, applies to you. Over the years, the ones we were together and the ones we were apart, you have stayed in my heart. You have been a part of me without your knowing. I have cried missing you and I have smiled at the prospect of talking to you. You have invaded my thoughts and emotions when you should not have, but you had no choice because I had no choice. I have loved you since the first day I saw you, a day I can still remember with a frightening clarity. How does a person know he is in love? Because he is in love with you.
     I remember the first day, a day in a classroom that changed, only six of us in the class but you were the only one that mattered. I remember the next time I saw you, a cold day that you made warm, you in a long, grey coat and a scarf and me in a new state of confusion. I remember sitting around a table, discussing ideas and concepts that we would apply later in life. I remember playing games, flirting, being coy yet knowing what we wanted. I remember our first kiss, the sweet taste of your lips and how they matched perfectly with mine. I remember your couch, your bed, moving you into your new apartment, watching a movie, starting a movie, making love, and holding you in my arms. I also remember the fights, the anger behind the words but not the words themselves, which makes me wonder how important any of that was. And I remember not having you, wanting you and not being able to feel you in my arms. It was a loss I thought I had felt before but the pain never left.
     I think of your eyes, your beautiful hair, but most of all your smile. It was God’s gift to all of us, and, for a while, it was specifically for me. I think of your personality, your sense of humor and your willingness, your need, to fight for what you wanted. I didn’t always understand you, and that was my failing. That was where I let you down. That is what deprived me of you.
     If I never get to tell you personally, it was my fault. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You once said you were my goddess, and while I may have balked at the idea at the time, I have come to realize there was some truth in that statement. You were better than I am. More beautiful, smarter, more relatable, more ambitious, and certainly stronger.
     If we never get back together, I don’t blame you. I can only blame myself for ever doing anything that would make you want to leave. You deserve only what is good in the world. You deserve the best that this level of existence can offer. I consider myself lucky to have spent the time with you that I was allowed. In show business, the rule is to leave them wanting more. You certainly did that. Like the most extravagant show in Vegas, like a circus through the eyes of a child, like a teenager’s first rock concert, and like a glimpse of the sunrise for the blind, all rolled into one, you have captured that feeling for me. I cannot thank you enough for that gift, for showing me what I need and want, for producing emotions that can never be tamed. Only you could have given this to me, and I thank you. With all of my heart and soul, I thank you.